If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.