You Might Also Like
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Morning.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.