I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Dolls on drugs
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?