RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?