Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.