Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
This is my favorite one of these!
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Meowchelangelo
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone