My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.