My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
are there any atheist mantises?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
this post was so formative to me
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!