My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.