When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My daily affirmation
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
yea so i messed up lol
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!