People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Are you ok, human???
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E