Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?