Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
![]()
You Might Also Like
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
![]()
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.