I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in