Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.