I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”