[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”