Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.