Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”