interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”