I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Strangers have the best candy.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Well, this certainly took a turn
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.