If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it