Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it