The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”