Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
You Might Also Like
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.