*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Your honor these allegations are
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.