*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
You Might Also Like
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football