Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The “baby” on the left….
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Pee pressure > peer pressure