A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.