“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.