Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A short story of betrayal:
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?