You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You Might Also Like
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Can’t, holding a grudge
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.