half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.