Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.