Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Something Saturday.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.