Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Worth a try
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.