Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.