With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
They did not miss in the small print
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW