my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me