What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”