I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
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husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Hitlers gonna hitl
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
incredible text to wake up to
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey