“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie