I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.