CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Breaking news:
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.