When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You Might Also Like
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.