I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Breaking news:
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down