Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Love it! 👍😂
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready