A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
This a good idea
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.