[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I put the h in mysterious.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas