I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You Might Also Like
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe