I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
🤣🤣🤣
I’m having an out of money experience.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”