the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”