[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Free him
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that