[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear